Dealing with the Process of Rejection

So how do I deal with the process of rejection?

Over the weekend, I experienced what I perceived in the moment could have been either blatant bullying or someone who was so self-involved that she is completely unaware that her words and actions might have an impact on the internal struggles of another.

My rational mind says that it doesn’t really matter which of the two is true, if either of them are. What matters is how I handle this internally on my own.

We will call this alleged bully, Beatrice.

The Situation:

I was attending a birthday party for a friend, let’s call her Rose.  Rose, being the polite and self-less friend that she is asked Beatrice and I if we had met each other.  My response was “Yes, we have met at a couple of other functions.”

Beatrice replied while looking right at me was “If we have met, I don’t remember you”, then proceeded to walk right passed me. 

Now usually I can let the words go, if the time is taken to then be re-introduced, however, this was not the case.

Instead, as soon as her words left her mouth, she walked right passed me, and away, without even so much as a “hello, my name is…”

The “In the Moment” Internal Impact

My very first thought was “Am I that unforgettable or was she blatantly being mean?”. 

I reacted by trying to affirm to her, who I was to our mutual friend, but again, she didn’t stick around to hear it.

It left me with an internal struggle over my own self-worth.

What can I do to make the right impact on someone that will make them remember me?  How do I become better at social interaction?  Seriously, am I really that forgettable?  How can I be successful in helping other people, when I have such a hard time getting people to even remember me.

I allowed the actions of this woman, whether correctly perceived or not, to affect how I saw myself up until today.

I firmly believe that it does not matter what other people think of me, I love who I am and that is what truly matters.

However, that is a rational thought that while may be true, can be forgotten from time to time when you are in a social situation, where it is hard to maintain a level of confidence when you do not know what the social convention is.

If you read my “About the Author”, you would know that I was raised as an abused child, held back from learning social interaction as a child because I basically lived in my bedroom for almost 10 years. 

While I was able to go outside and play once or twice a week with my little brother, I was not able to attend birthday parties, camp-outs, sleep-overs, or even wander down to the mall with friends.

I was the kid who was picked on in school for being the loser because I wore second hand clothing and had a boy’s haircut. 

In the 80’s, it was all about designer jeans, like Guess, with big hair and bangs.  No one took the time to ask me why I had to wear what I did, they just assumed it was my fault for being such a loser.

I grew up believing that I was a loser, that I didn’t matter, not only to my peers, but to my given parents and family.  I didn’t matter enough for anyone to want to save me.

Evaluation

I am a little mad at myself for taking this long to get to the bottom of why this had such an impact on me.  If I am really being honest with myself and I look at the situation through an E.K. point of view, I would say that I let this carry on for so long because deep down, I wanted to wallow in the feeling of self-pity. 

Why would I want to wallow in the self-pity?  Wallow in the negative feelings of self-pity means I can dive deep into the feeling of being self-righteous and in a darkly pleasurable sort of way, the self-righteousness feels great. 

How dare she talk to me that way.  What gives her the right to be so blatantly bitchy, even though deep down, I really don’t give a damn how she feels about me.

Conclusion:

So how do I really feel about this situation?

This woman is who she is, and I myself have no idea who she is.

 I do not share the same level of friendship with this woman that our mutual friend does and that is ok, we do not have to like each other in . 

However, I find that there is a part of me that found this woman’s level of respect for our mutual friend to be highly distasteful.  Her words and actions seemed to question our mutual friends level of friendship with me, and that is the part that I let hurt me. 

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