I am not saying that it is ok to wallow in it, that is actually one of the worst things you can do.
I get the feeling, the hurt, the pain. However, I will keep getting on that horse and do it all over again.
This last one left a little bit of a mark, one where at moments, I still fall into the hole of upset, anger and despair. In those moments, I let myself feel it, every excruciating feeling that his leaving did to me, and then I remember that I do not deserve to be treated that way.
He was the one who didn’t realize I was opening up to him, becoming more, becoming the type of person he wanted me to be for him. I was not changing who I was, but adding to who I was.
Due to his impatience, and immovable spirit to try and become what I wanted him to be, while maintaining himself, he lost everything he could have had.
You see, I had opened up to him, in the deepest of ways, telling him everything he needed to hurt me, because he had given me the confidence to trust him. I trusted in the fact that he was never going to be the person that was going to run. I trusted in the fact that he would fight for what we were trying to have, because that is what he said he was going to do.
In the very end, his actions spoke much louder than his words.
I said I needed support, and patience while suffering through physical pain, and once that pain was over, he would be well-rewarded. He has NO patience.
He said to me he didn’t want anyone else, I told him it was ok to falter, just don’t throw it in my face. He didn’t just throw it, but chucked it at me with voracious speed.
I said to him, I needed someone strong, someone who would fight for us, He said he would go to the ends of the earth to fight for what we were building and that he would never run, He not only ran, but kicked it in overdrive.
Instead of being an adult, telling me that it was over for him, and that he never wanted to see me again, was something I could handle and understand. I can be strong and handle not letting him in again.
No, instead he tells me that it was his way to leave a wound, deep and bleeding, so that there was no chance of HIM crawling back and me accepting it.
Joke is on him. He helped me to remember what it felt like to be in love, and nurture that love. He reminded me of what it was like to have someone to come home to, kiss them, and have them also nurture you.
While my wound is still open and sore, it is still healing, but this time, there will be no scar, only lessons learned. Happy positive lessons that someone else will be able to benefit from.
While he may find someone who is willing to stroke his ego, he will never be happy with knowing what he left, and how good it was going to be for him had he just been patient.
I make a conscious choice everyday to open up more and more. I have met new friends, socially, personally, and intimately. I allow them the space to lean towards me, and they back up just enough to allow me to lean back. They don’t take up all the space that I must have in order to give them what they want.
And I will feel pride and happiness within myself knowing that I never used any of his dark secrets to get revenge, or to even remotely try to hurt him back.