Magic IS Real – You Just Have To Be Open To IT
While still in a relationship with my “long term” now ex, Jay, I had this dream:
I was going to a family event for the family that I was involved with at the time. Upon my arrival, I felt as if I was an estranged outcast, even though I was invited.
On the entry way table, there was a card with a red envelope. I opened the card and read that it was a love letter from Jay, but it was not addressed to me.
He signed the card “To my Mercedes”
With pain in my heart, I set that card down, and walked out the front door without saying a word to anyone. I knew in that moment, that it was time for me to walk away.
This dream occurred some time back around 2007.
From the moment I saw the Jay, something about him I felt connected to. Understand though, that when I first met him, I was engaged to be married to my first husband.
It isn’t like I felt an attraction to this man at the time, just a very strong connection.
He started dating the woman who was like my sister. If you want to be technical, she was my cousin by law. However, her dad and step mom, (my aunt and uncle) rescued me from my aunts very abusive brother (my adopted father).
To me though, they were mom and dad. They took me in, raised me, and loved me as if I was their own child.
My “sister” came out to help me with my wedding, and met Jay.
To make a very long story short, only a few short years later, I was divorced from my husband and my “sister” was divorced from Jay.
In 2003, a few years after both divorces, my dad was only days away from dying in the hospital. It was his suggestion that Jay and I get together. Being the man I never wanted to disappoint, I did just that.
I fell for Jay, hard.
Again, to make a very long story short, I will give you a little rundown.
We dated, lived together, even shared a life with one another. However, for 7 years, he could never actually say the words “I love you”. While the intimacy was there, never did he kiss me either. I did this for 7 years, wishing, hoping and praying that he would some day return the affection.
So when I had that dream, well… I still denied it. I knew deep down I shouldn’t, but I did.
February 8th, 2010, exactly 7 years after my dad died, I ended it with Jay. There is a part of me that really wants to tell the story about everything that led up to the breakup, AND I WILL, but it will come later, as a “fictional” story that I will write.
January 1st, 2023
The day started out with me frustrated with my husband. He is a good man and I love him so very much. He is also somewhat uneducated about the nuances of emotion and communication.
It isn’t about the lack of wanting to learn, he is just inexperienced due to living 20 years being the submissive in his previous relationship(s).
Due to this frustration, I spoke to my niece (my “sister” and Jay’s daughter). Her insight to how to handle it was amazing… she lived a childhood battle of trying to get control of herself, while she struggled with the constant battles between her parents.
On top of this, trying to also gain control of her denials from being diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes. (Of which, her parents also fought over whose fault this was)
In turn, she vented to me about her father’s upcoming nuptials. A ceremony where my niece is not welcome to attend, in fact, the sorrow and pain she felt when her own father told her that he wasn’t sure about “the whole (niece’s name) thing”.
I was angry, so fucking angry. Instead of just loving my niece for who she is, instead, he would rather hate on her for not being how he wants her to be.
That is where I will leave my opinion of that.
I was feeling into my feelings about this whole situation. Feeling angry and also a little bit confused as to why it angered me so much.
I do not hold any feelings of want for this man, at all, especially because of the man that he was, and apparently still is.
The anger, really comes from his continued ability to be blind to his own part in every situation, which in this case, the emotional trauma he has caused in his own children through out their entire childhoods. If you ask him, he is never to blame and is always the victim.
While I am going through my own reasoning, I decide to watch a movie called “The Noel Diary”. In it, one of the main characters is a famous author.
He arrives at his deceased mother’s estate to begin clearing it out when the executor says to the author. “My wife is a such a big fan of yours, would you mind signing this book for her? Her name is Mercedes.”
AND ALL AT ONCE, THE ENTIRE DREAM HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.
I thought of the event, my feelings of estrangement, the feeling of pain, and finally, the relief in knowing that this was now time to walk away, that none of it is no longer mine…
While they were all my feelings, honestly, I think the message behind it all was meant for me in the moment in 2007, but now a reminder today, to give this message over to my niece.
It was mine to behold, but her message to achieve. To learn strength, independence, and healing!