How to Find the Soul’s Purpose

I feel trapped in this body, in this mind, in this life.  I do not fear death like I used to.  Now I fear that I am not accomplishing enough.  There is something I am to accomplish in this life, and part of me feels like the only way I am going to get close is by being free of the confines of debt. 

I can easily quit my job at any time I want, I can travel by foot anywhere I want to go, as long as it is within the borders of the United States. 

To go to Canada or Mexico, I have to have my passport which means money. 

While I can travel anywhere I want on foot, I would have to be able to eat food, which no matter where that is, I need money. 

I could hunt for my food, but in order to do that, I could only be in states that allow for hunting without a license or “lottery ticket” as they say.  America, like they want to say, is not truly free.  There are too many rules and regulations.

Money is the key to getting past some of those rules and regulations.

That isn’t it though is it?  My purpose is much deeper than that. 

I am reading this book, page 17 of 255, and she speaks of writing everything.  All that she is feeling, what she is dealing with, her fears, and everything that is happening around her. 

I begin thinking, what if I start writing like that.  Everything, from why I haven’t wanted to do my budgeting or paying bills, I love budgeting and paying bills.  I love money, I love my business and what I am beginning to create.  But I just stopped.

What if I begin writing about all of it, my husband, children, things that are going on, my fears about losing Laurie, about losing my brothers, my sister, and any other close connections I may have?

When I think about it right now, getting and making the money I need will be so simple.  Especially if I just take that last little leap and begin writing.

I know the answers are deep within me, and yet I am so scared.  What am I afraid of though?  I am tearing up right now as I type this and yet I do not know what I am afraid of.  Knowing myself on the deepest level possible?  Changing my life so drastically that I do not recognize the person I will no longer be?

No, I am not afraid of that, because I have already changed in so many ways.  I have already grown so much throughout the years. 

Learning that I was capable all of these years, to live in my own way, on my own terms?  No, I know that I can, I just have been too afraid to take myself there.  Why?  Because I will be judged?  No one cares about that anymore.  Those who won’t judge you are the ones you want in your life anyway.

Every time it happens, it still shocks me a little.  But only a little.  Now, it has become a happy little excitement that I feel within myself when it happens.

Last night before bed, in a little bit of an internal desperate voice, I asked the universe to give me answers.  Why are we here, what is the significance of life?  Or are we only just bags of meat that mean absolutely nothing in the scheme or grandeur of existence. 

Think about how small we really are.  Imagine yourself floating out beyond earth’s atmosphere.  Really look at the space beyond and then look back at the earth.  All those people there on the surface, we are all smaller than the period at the end of the sentence.  Now imagine you shrink, you perceive yourself as normal, only everything else gets bigger and bigger.  As you shrink, you find that the smallest grain of sand, now becomes a boulder, unmovable by our own hands anymore. 

How significant are we?  Do we really matter? 

This morning, one of the first things I want to do is, or am inspired to do is, search the words “what is the significance of life?”

I come upon a particular website which then inspires me to look up a title in Amazon, which is where I find this other book I am now reading.

While I may ponder sometimes, the questions above, this book is making me think of what might happen if I start to release every little thing that is going on inside of me.  Every, little tiny detail that is plaguing me.

Like the pain that I am feeling right now in my Aortic region.  It’s like a dull annoying pain.  One that I get when I have gas that is welling up inside of me.  Gas that will eventually turn into a quick desperate trip to the bathroom because it is something much more than just gas.

What about the fact that I have been wanting to just sob at every little thing lately because the tears almost feel good right now. 

I want to have an adventure on my own terms, in my own way, but feel like I have to wait for that adventure.  In the meantime I get older and older.

Sometimes I feel like it is all my own self-centered nature.  I want to help others, I really do, but in order to help others, I feel like I need to be helped first.  If I do not know what the fuck is going on, then how am I going to teach others to get deep within themselves in order for them to change in the ways they are meant to change.

I know the ways in which we should have our own boundaries, and not allowing others to cross those boundaries, but also that we need to be able to know well enough not to cross the boundaries of others.  Yet we also need to allow ourselves to let others in, be open, and giving of ourselves to others. 

I do not believe that we need to be vulnerable though.  My perception of vulnerability is that we are opening ourselves up for the chance to become a victim.  Which is different from allowing ourselves to be open to other people, and giving of ourselves, that is not being vulnerable.  You do not have to be “vulnerable” in order to be giving of yourself in full.

I do not care about the “JOB” I have.  The only reason I work where I work right now is because it is a steady paycheck, an EASY paycheck.

I think part of me is afraid that if I lose that constant, then I will no longer have the luxuries I have. 

But the thing is, I have the means to make that money through other ways.  What I truly want deep down, is an avenue to get there. 

While I think much bigger, right now all I want and need is time.  I can create my business, but I want my time to be spiritual, to write like I am writing now.  This writing, will take me exactly where I need to be and I know it. 

I look around my room though, and wonder, how I get rid of the cluster fuck that has accumulated.  I want it all gone now, so that I can have a calm, beautiful space to live. 

I want to feel free and open in the space that I live.  With me having to devote 8 hours a day to a “job” that isn’t mine for the steady paycheck per hour that I make, it does not give me the time I need to clear out the space I have in order to feel free and open.

I need my bills paid though.  $100,000 would give me the financial freedom I need to clear away from the “JOB”, pay off the bills I currently have, give me the freedom to pay the recurring life and business bills and also give me the time to create that free and open space.

I have a place for inspiration, I have a computer of my own.  All I need to do, is walk out to that space of inspiration and type… 

That is all.

The question then is: Who is God to me?  I fear insulting the divine if I do not say the right word or words.  I do not believe in the Christian views of Jesus, God, and the Lord.  In fact, saying the Lord makes me cringe.  Lord to me in my perception is a king or Ruler of those in HIS kingdom.  A ruler of slaves.

We are not slaves, and that is all I know.  So what are we?  Are we children, or simply creators of the universe where we are all connected in a divine way?  What are we?

What are we? Energy, Life, Creation.  If we are creation then that means we have a creator.  Is there more than one creator or is there only one?  Do we call them gods or is it simply the Universe?  Are we both the creator and the creation?  Both can be true at the same time since we as humans only have a limited amount of information or perception of what is truth.

There is a book, the Eleven Questions.  Some are not relevant to me since I believe I have learned what I need to of those answers.  But there are still 8 that I would like to talk about.

1 and 2 – Who am I and why am I here?  These two questions are basically what brought me to my desperate questioning last night.

I feel so insignificant in the grand scheme of life as a whole.  I begin thinking of the expansive universe, its mysteries, and beauty.  We aren’t even a spec in that universe, we are smaller, so much smaller.

I do not know, and maybe that is ok.  Humans though, are purpose driven.  Or at least we are forced to have some sort of purpose by our peers.  Peers that I do not agree with.  At least not the ones that I have met.  I believe we are supposed to push ourselves to be better, learn more, and always be asking more questions. 

How does a lion decide its purpose?  The male lion basically lounges all day, allows the female space to hunt for food, and then the male lion takes his fill of the spoils before the female is able to take her own.  That is the way of the lion life.  The male’s job is to protect his pride, and typically only one dominant male is seen among the entire pride.

Basically their job is to just be.  Be as God created him to be.

So that would help me answer the question Why am I here… the answer is to BE.

So who am I? 

1. I love music and singing at the top of my lungs. 
2. I love spending time with people who bring light into my life.
3. I also love spending time with people who listen to my words, and seem to be affected and moved by those words.
4. I love spending time with people who help me feel whole.
5. I love to read and learn new things that expand my creative thinking, my mind, and my personality as a whole.
6. I love to write, write, and write.
7. I love watching movies and television that pushes the boundaries of what others perceive to be reality.
8. I love nature, camping, boating, being in the wide openness of the outdoors.

I am she who creates.  I am me.  A feeling of overwhelm comes over me as I write those words because even though I have said it before, there is a new sense of who “me” is.  I am nobody and everybody all at the same time, and I will never be able to explain who I am to anyone.  Yet I have this whole new feeling of knowing that I am me, and only I will ever know that I am me.

Right now my purpose is to just be, experience and notice what it is to just be, and learn from being.  From there, write about my experience and tell others how I have learned to just be.  If they are inspired to also be, then that will be a happy bonus and an accomplishment in my journey of this life.

The other questions:

3. What happens after I die?

Existence, deep down I feel a connection to others who came before me.  I felt them very strong when I was a child.  Leroy Watson, and yet there was no name before this life on earth.  Maybe there was a name, but it did not matter.  Only the connection I had to him mattered. 

That day, with Debbie outside washing her car, that is the first day I really recognized her. Glimpses of memory of this life bring the answers, but not answers in words.  Basically, the answer is existence.  You go back to your true self, with your true peers, to just be, to learn, to grow.

4. Is there a God / Higher Power / Source?

Yes, but it is not a ruler of slaves.  We are merely a connection to that power.  We, I, crave connection, knowledge.  We are all the creator and the creation.  We are not the same but we are all connected. 

5. Why is there suffering.

I feel like I should have deleted this question among the others deleted. To answer though, I say that there is no suffering.  Others would disagree, looking at a child with cancer, or someone who is in physical pain, or even something as dark as murder and slavery. 

Outside influence suggests that the person within the act is suffering, but the alleged sufferer may not be suffering.

I was a person of abuse as a child.  The pain hurt, and yes, there was times of perceived suffering, yet now in this moment, I did not suffer, nor am I suffering now.

I now perceive that time as a learned experience. 

The interesting part of this knowledge within myself will anger those who do not share the same level of enlightenment.  I am not saying that I am better or smarter.  Only that I have a complete difference in perception of the same situations and another would have. 

Perceived suffering does exist though, as a means of learning appreciation for the things that happen outside of that perceived suffering. 

For some, perceived sufferers of pain, strive to find relief, and appreciate that relief, no matter what form it comes to them in.  Same with perceived sufferers of abuse, typically strive to overcome the fear and to find connectivity.  Without perceived suffering, we would not strive for something better or beyond ourselves.

6. How can I best hear my inner self’s voice and know my highest purposes.

While I have always had a passion for writing, I really never “got it” until right now that writing can help me personally find my own inner self’s voice.

I was wrong, there are only 6 questions I needed to answer for myself from that book.

Dear Existence, creator of all that is, was, and ever will be,

Thank you so much for the inspiration, knowledge and impact of this knowledge on my life. As you know I have struggled for so long, and now, I feel like I have clarity.

I am going to strive every day, to remember and connect.  When I think about true connection, I think of monks in monasteries, spending entire days, just being and meditating, tilling and sitting in blissful silence within inspiring nature and on top of mountains feeling constant connection.  That is what I wanted.

Yet now I realize, that when I write, almost every time I write like this, with intention and purpose, I feel that connection.

Thank you for that clarity in seeing this, seeing who I truly am, and inspiring me to allow myself the feeling of being connected.  Thank you Thank you Thank you for everything I am feeling in this moment!

Next: Finding Your Soul’s Purpose through Mindful Writing