Patterns, Pain, and the Power to Choose

They may say one thing… but their actions tell the truth.
I reached out. I acted.
And what did I get? Crickets.

It’s Tuesday now, and the silence itself is the answer. (I reached out on Saturday)

I refuse to break myself in half trying to guess someone else’s intentions. The ball is in their court. I’m not performing for approval, acceptance, or some invisible scorecard. And I’m not falling apart over yet another flavor of rejection—because let’s be real, it’s not even new.

Before, when situations like this happened, it would trigger feelings of being “too much,” being “not enough,” and feeling like life would be easier if I didn’t have to live it at all. It’s a dark place, and I’ve been there too many times.

But here’s what I’ve learned—and it is NOT taught; it’s something life beats into you until you finally stop being stubborn enough to ignore it.

What I Know

1. None of us are perfect—and that’s actually the point.

2. If we don’t learn the lesson, we repeat the lesson.
And yes, if your life keeps looping in the same crappy patterns, that means your thinking hasn’t changed. Change the pattern or the pattern will keep kicking your ass.
(Just stop the fuckery, already. Yes, I said it. Passion brings spicy language.)

3. You can’t claim “this is just who I am” and then complain about your life staying the same.
That’s the loop of dumbassery.
And the only one holding you down… is you.

4. People not meeting your expectations doesn’t automatically make them villains.
It means you’re expecting them to play a role in a script they’ve never seen and aren’t even responsible for. That’s on you.

5. Boundaries matter.
If someone constantly crosses them, walk away.
But you don’t get to demand they change for your comfort. That’s not a boundary—that’s control.

6. Real connection requires two people willing to talk honestly and act in compromise.
If that mutual give-and-take isn’t there… the partnership is already over.
And for the love of your sanity, stop assuming intentions without a real conversation. That’s how we end up arguing with ghosts in our heads.

Today, I’m focusing on #2:
Learn the lesson or repeat the life.

The Near-Death Story

I watched a video recently about a woman with an NDE—a near-death experience. In it, she resisted returning to her body. Spirit told her she could choose to stay gone, but if she did, she’d be reborn with a fresh mind… and would have to go through every single lesson all over again.

She chose to come back because she wasn’t about to start at zero.

And honestly? I get it because I had the same “conversation.”

The Past-Life Memory

Years ago, during a regression, I saw myself as a well-dressed woman in a city with cobblestone streets. A life of social gatherings and beauty had become hollow and cold. She felt rejected, cast aside, unseen, and gossiped about—just as I’ve felt in this life.

In that memory, she walked into an empty house and decided she wasn’t going to live through the rest of the day. I didn’t see the moment she passed, but I knew she’d taken poison.

Fast forward to this year, in this life, standing on the edge of the same emotional cliff, knowing exactly how I was going to jump… and a voice stopped me:

“Remember this: If you take yourself from this life now, you will repeat the same lessons in the next.”

That hit me like a lightning strike to the soul.

Do all of this again?
Make even worse choices?
Start from zero?

Absolutely not.

I’d rather put in the work now and break the damn cycle.

Choosing Life—Even When It’s Hard

I can choose to keep going.
I can choose to make things better.
For better or worse, I will keep choosing.

Maybe that’s the lesson.

That no matter what gets thrown at you, your life can still grow bigger, brighter, and better than anything you’ve known—but only if you stop demanding it look a certain way with certain people.

Do I hope that one day I reconnect with people I’ve cared deeply about? Of course.
But they’re on their own path.
I can leave my door open, but I won’t slam my expectations onto their timeline.
When they’re ready—if ever—they’ll respond.

Life Doesn’t Stop for Anyone

Your life is your own. No matter how many safeguards, beliefs, or rules you cling to, life happens anyway.

People often ask,
“How could a loving God allow bad things to happen?”

The answer is layered.

Good and bad are subjective.
My childhood? Fifteen years ago, I saw it as something people owed me for surviving. (I didn’t know I had to heal from it, because, again, life doesn’t stop for your trauma.)
Now I see it as the training ground that built me.

Some view natural death as loss. Others see it as release.

Wars, addictions, violence—these aren’t divine acts.
They’re human mistakes.
Human power struggles.
Human ego.

People turn to God for correction, but we have free will. We choose what we do with our pain.
We choose whether we rise or whether we drown.
And many don’t even know they can choose—they’re too deep in the muck to imagine clean ground exists.

But overcoming adversity is always possible. Sometimes the action required feels massive. Sometimes it feels unreasonable. But the alternative is repeating the same hell on loop.

Life isn’t cruel.
Life is life.

If someone harms another, it wasn’t God who placed the weapon.
It was a human trying to force their expectations onto reality.

Wars aren’t about God. They’re about ego.
About power, fear, control, and the belief that one worldview must dominate all others.

Connection matters. Meaning matters. Traditions matter.
But strangling them until they can’t breathe?
That’s how darkness grows.

The meaning of life is different for everyone.

And if you’ve ever seen City Slickers, you know:
It all comes down to one thing.
Your thing.
Your purpose.
Your choice.
Your path.

Without harming or getting in the way of others in the process.