The Fields of Barley
Write a little excerpt here about the contents of this entry…
Prominent Distant Memory
The fields with the white house is a picture in my mind, a memory of a time when I was little. I don’t think I had quite turned 2 yet.
I know that I am still in diapers, but my mom is trying to potty train me.
The people who own the mobile home, that is on the property of the white house, tell me not to go into the fields, I could get lost.
We will be staying in this mobile home for a little bit, my mom, the little boy and I. (Of course I know now that this was my older brother, but I had no concept of this then)
The trailer is outside the main house and a giant power pole is right outside our front door. The inside of the place had alot of green in it. Green and yellow designed tiles in the kitchen and a lot of wood paneling.
I do not remember too much else of the inside, only that one scene in the kitchen. The little boy was on the kitchen floor, playing with his cars and toys, I am in the high chair.
Mom is mad at me because I peed my red corduroy overalls.
What This Book is About
I have decided to do a deep dive on my memories.
I have been searching for my purpose in this life for a very long time, and I feel like my path has been leading me to writing this book.
I “feel” this pull to the spiritual, but not in the way that many view it to be. I am in search of my own truths in life, now that I finally realize that I am in control of my own life, of my own destiny in this life, and of how I choose to be for myself.
There are many factors that are playing a role into my “feeling” of finding my purpose:
- Having physical memoires of my toddlerhood. Specific moments in time, in the past, that I “feel” are important to the story. Important to the timeline of what was supposed to happen, bringing me to the lessons that I need to learn in this life.
- Memories of having knowledge, even before I could talk, but not having the ability to tap into that knowledge now that I am an adult.
- A memory of trying to communicate with the people around me, with my family, but being frustrated because they couldn’t hear my mind, and frustrated because my mouth didn’t know how to speak the words yet.
- Remembering or “Knowing” my great-grandfather, the very moment I was in his physical presence in this life… Even to this day, I feel his presence all around me at certain moments.
- Having an almost VIVID recollection of a home I had when our boots buttoned up… a past life memory of a time when I was a wealthy woman, who had no one to share her wealth with, no one to share her home with. I died alone in that house. I get a feeling it was suicide rather than of old age, because of my desperation.
- In this life now, I fight the feeling of loneliness even though I am not alone.
Childhood Trauma
For a very long time I lived with animosity towards my biological mother. So much animosity for everything she seemingly put me through, for not protecting me, for not giving me the love I needed, and for teaching me how to be worthless.
Just before I turned 3, my mother chose to give my brother and I up for adoption. My brothers father had already agreed that this was smart if he was going to live a good life.
My biological father did not agree. He wanted to take both my brother and I, even though my brother was not his.
However, Klint was already with our new family, papers signed and he was delivered. I didn’t get to go, and when I look at some of my memories… it seems as though my fate was literally written for me.
Which brings me to #6 of why I believe in what I do:
#6. I could feel the wrong path – I couldn’t go to the same place my brother went. Debby tried to place me in fostering since Ben wouldn’t release me to the family that Klint went to.
She was trying to hide me both from him, and make it so that I was no longer her responsibility. I remember her speaking ill of Ben, that he was a bad guy who couldn’t be trusted with children, but I never could hear the reasons why.
There was a family, who took in children, and they were going to take me in until the paperwork was processed and I could be moved to where my brother was…
Even as little as I was, I could sense that my mommy was leaving and I would never see her again. I had this sense that if she left, I would no longer be on the path I was meant to be on, so I threw that biggest fit, one I had never thrown before.
The fit was so bad, the family decided that it wouldn’t be a great idea to keep me.
#7 – The day I met Lester, I was afraid of him, almost like I knew the exact role he was to play in my life. I wasn’t ready and I told my “Higher Guide” this.
“They” told me that it was already in motion, and couldn’t be stopped.
#8 – Since I was a toddler, I have always had this strong intuition and dreams that would forewarn me of things to come.
I lost these gifts when Debby passed away a few years ago.
Our Natural Gifts
I was told by another intuitive that my gifts would come back when I truly grieved.
So, I purposefully and intently worked on my grief for Debby’s passing. And there was a lot to unpack… so much anger for how careless she was with such a young fragile heart, taking away my childhood, and wasting what could have been precious time.
I had found forgiveness, I grieved until I couldn’t grieve any more, and I even found forgiveness. Yet none of my gifts came back.
When you know you have them, and have used them for so long, not having them feels like having an important piece of armor missing from the whole suit. Feeling vulnerable and worthless.
Whether you want to believe it or not, all of us share the same gifts… they are a part of our DNA, our genetic makeup. Due to fear and ignorance, it is not taught, the knowledge is hidden and pushed away so that those who subdue the knowledge can continue to be the ones in power.
But this is a whole other soapbox that I will not stand on in this moment.
I Can Feel Its Presence Again
I have only just come to realize that it wasn’t the grieving I had to do for Deborah and everything I felt I lacked because of her passing.
It wasn’t her that really needed the forgiveness. Everything that had been done, was in the past, and no longer had any bearing on our relationship of the present.
I needed to forgive myself for holding on to that anger, hurt, and pain for so long. Debby did what she knew she could in order to save me from a life that could honestly have been so much worse than what happened to me.
My belief system is based on the fact that we are eternal beings, and that we choose the type of life we are going to live, taking care of our karma from past lives, while doing our best to stay strong, get through our suffering, to come out stronger on the other side.
Deborah was only doing what she promised she would do while in this life, she completed her task to the best of her ability, working only with what she was given. Now that her task was over, she was called home.
After realizing this, everything inside of me changed. Not only can I “feel” my gifts coming back to me, but it’s almost as if I can feel the presence of my “guides” all around me.
It’s one presence that feels like many, or many that feel like one whole. I know no other way to describe it.
Manifesting or Just Being
I have been learning about things like “The Secret”, Manifesting, and similar teachings by many different people.
While many do a great job of explaining it in their way, I realized that it means something for everyone.
We all have wants, needs, and desires… but WHY do you want those things? Who exactly is the person that you want to be what does your life feel like because you are exactly who you want to be?
Maybe some of those wants needs and desires aren’t necessarily what you need to be focusing on in order to be the person to live the life you want…
Maybe, just maybe it is the journey that it takes to get there, the actions that you take that get you from where you are to where you want to be, while knowing that you are on the right path, feeling positive, determined and inspired to get there, but allowing the pride in each moment to consume you for each little task you accomplish to get there.
All while already being the happy, loving person that you already are that people know, love and trust.
The road to getting exactly what you want is by realizing who you are, and knowing what you love right now. Everything else comes while you are enjoying the path you are taking to get there.
Thank You for Taking the Time to Read
I really hope you enjoyed today’s rant, lesson… whatever you leave here with feeling.
I take time out of each day to get quiet and listen to my inner being.
Everything you read from me, comes from inside, something everyone could potentially have the ability to do.
My next Chapter is my personal discovery into a whole world of peace, enlightenment, and inspiration that I didn’t even know until now, was a whole way of living for a civilization living in this world today…
Maybe you have heard of it…
Next – Chapter 2: Finding My Way of Life