The Importance of Nurture and Nature-A Tale of Healing

There are times where I feel so disconnected from “home”. Home meaning that state of which I am when not in this physical body.

Some have a word for it, like Heaven, the Universe, GOD. I don’t feel any of those words to be true for me. When I think about spirituality, oneness with all of creation, I think of HOME, or the place of existence that I truly am.

I believe in creation, I believe in God, but not as a man who is all powerful, but as creation itself which is neither plural or singular.

I believe there is a larger complexity to what GOD is rather than being just ONE. A highly complex series of collective energies that controls the entire universe. It is maddening to think that anyone believes there is such thing as true control. Creation in itself is chaos.

Not only that, but no matter what the ever persistence of the alpha male species tries to tell you, but we all need one another in order to survive. If we do not work together, we wipe ourselves out. You need both sexes for creation to continue to exist.

Do I think it is bad for women to love women, or men to love men? Absolutely not!! Love is love. Do I believe that we should try to change our sex just because we prefer to be one way or another…

I know my answer is not going to be very popular in communities, but to answer this, no, I do not believe we should change what nature gave to us.

You want to act like a man, then act like one, you want to dress a certain way, so be it. Makeup, clothing, and what the “roles” are as genders is a made up construct any way.

A male is someone who has only one piece of the creation puzzle when it comes to procreating, the sperm. The female body is to be the nurturing home for a component of creation.

Both male and female bodies can have nurturing and loving components to them, however, both sides can also not even carry the chemicals in their bodies that allow them the ability to nurture the product of creation. That is why they say it “takes a village” to raise children.

That isn’t to say that I am going to look down on someone because they choose to change their bodies in order to feel “more like themselves”. Really that decision is up to that person and their inner truth.

Getting Sidetracked with Opinion

I have felt this disconnect for a long time, if I had to put a number on it, I would have to say that I have felt a disconnect ever since Lester came into our lives.

Have I been protected? yes. Have I felt “glimpses” of a connection with home? Yes The problem is, I feel like the things I am truly needing in my life, the things that make me feel true connection are just outside of my conscious spiritual reach.

There are religious sects out there that have told me that their way is the ONLY way. I have been there, heard that, but I will tell you that you are wrong. What is good for you my friend, is not the same for everyone.

I don’t know if any of you have noticed… but there is not one person who is the same… The idea of RACE is a mindset that gets people to conform to the idea of separation. I am not white, by any means… in fact, if you place me next to a white sheet, I do not match the color what-so-ever. I just happen to have less melatonin than some, quite a bit less than others.

It’s the same with flowers and trees. A tree is still a tree, whether it’s a maple or a pine, a blossom is still a blossom no matter it its from a cherry tree or apple. Both bear fruit, neither taste the same… A flower is still a flower, whether it is a daisy, rose or lily.

Faith and spirituality is something that comes from within. Most religions come with so many rules and regulations, all designed to “control” and have power over their believers. A lot of them do get it right by calling them their “flock”, because truly they are sheep.

You were created to live a life for yourself, guided by your own inner being.

Why do you have to be told that killing others or harming others in any way is bad, if you listened to your own inner being, you can hear it telling you it is bad.

If you think about it, those who are compelled to harm others, are chemically built that way. Their bodies, physical makeup, and the way their brains fire, meaning that their entire existence tells them that they need to rape, murder and pillage. It is all a part of the chaos of creation.

I spout all of this and yet I still say that I am disconnected from home.

Maybe what I am truly saying is, my expectation of what I am missing is what is helping out that feeling of disconnect. I expect to feel spiritual security because my EGO believes it should look a certain way. Yet I am steadfast in my convictions because my inner being says so.

And then, as I write that last paragraph, I realize where my disconnected feeling is coming from. The only thing I yearn for is to feel like I am being loved and nurtured.

Last night, I had a very strong emotional breakdown. It doesn’t happen often, and typically it is triggered when instead of caring, I get ridicule or when those that I would move heaven and earth for, do not show the same level of care for me. Whether we actually test the theory or not is irrelevant.

Action or even the statement of is enough to satisfy my inner-self.

My need for nurturing stems from knowing hat I loved about it, and what I received.

As a very young child, I had this great connection with my great-grandparents, Leroy and Agnes. Leroy would let me “help” him in his garden, mow the lawn, run errands in town, and would take me to the park.

Agnes would let me help her do dishes (even though I got water everywhere), she would bath me and then powder me so that I smelled pretty, and would let me lay across her lap while she rubbed my back during her favorite shows.

While most of the time, it was chores we were doing, I was learning that with a little bit of love along the way, none of it was a chore. It just was… life.

I spent a great deal of time with my great-grandparents, while my biological mother was either working or out on dates with random men.

There were a few, but the two worst I remember were Craig and Lester. Craig used to love to punch me in the arms and throw me down the hall to my bedroom where I was to stay. I was so afraid to leave that I would relieve myself in the corner of my bedroom instead of going to the restroom.

Then there was Les.

Honestly I don’t believe there would have been a Lester if I hadn’t assisted in the breakup between my bio and Craig. Honestly I am not sure which was worse, Craig or Lester, but I can say this… I remember the amount of elation I felt when I had that opportunity to open my mouth and tell Craig during a Macaroni and Cheese dinner with hotdogs, that Deb (my bio-mom) had been kissing Victor earlier that day.

You see, through-out several of Deb’s boyfriends, she always secretly had Victor. A married Deputy who she met while working dispatch in Cedar Falls. In fact, I for a moment, she was juggling Craig (who reeked of marijuana and the 70’s), Craig M (the abusive asshole) and Victor, who could never be hers because of his marriage.

I used to think Victor was my father, being that I was so young, and remembering how convicted I was to that belief, I now wonder if he was my father in the most recent past life which led me to that strong feeling.

Yes, I believe in past lives. I have my reasons for believing in them, but if we are to believe that there is more after the death of this physical body, then it isn’t that much of a farther-fetched idea that we have lived in other physical bodies. That is, if a soul really is just pure energy.

So, to continue. This particularly sunny day, I was in the back seat of Deb’s little red mustang, as we pulled up behind this building. Victor gets in, they kiss, exchange some pleasantries, and kiss some more.

Later that night, we are at home in our apartment, sitting down for mac-n-cheese with hotdogs. Craig was being quite nice that day and asked me if anything exciting had happened that day…

With a grin on my face, I tell him, “Mommy kissed Victor today”.

This was a big win for me that day. This started a massive fight between the two of them, I was sent to my room which I happily went. The only sad thing about that breakup was, he took Chewy, his dog, who loved playing with me!

It really didn’t take her long to find Lester though, she hadn’t even started showing yet. (Yes, she was pregnant before her and Craig split up)

I know that I didn’t need to add in a lot of that story, but you see, I am the heroine of my life, and so repeating some of my most significant wins in my life, helps me to realize that even as a child, I found strength and wisdom that allowed me to get to my next step. Little reminders to keep moving forward, to survive and thrive!

The quick marriage of Debbie and Lester. When I get into these deep rooted and dark emotional states of feeling disconnect from Nurture, possible also nature, it stems from this time in my life.

Many people new and loved them, thought they were amazing. To them they were amazing. Together, they did have concern for other’s well-being, most others with the exception of mine. Even my younger brother really could do no wrong. However even with as much leniency as he received, even he did not get the nurturing love that children need from their parents.

As a child, I can only remember only one time that Deb actually hugged me. We were living in the Big Green House on Tremont St. It was shortly after she had used the freezer door that left the permanent scar in my right eyebrow. She wanted me to lie to Lester for her, knowing full well that if he found out I lied to him, I would get an even worse punishment.

I had just finished 3rd grade at Lincoln Elementary, which was literally a stones throw from the house. This meant that I was 9 years old, and just finally healing from a broken knee because of Lester, of which I had never been taken to the hospital for… and still gives me problems especially if it is a particularly wet winter. Which meant that I did NOT under any circumstances want to lie to Lester, especially for her.

While she was just as unforgiving and intolerant as Lester, at least her anger didn’t warrant broken bones, only physical scars which I could tolerate at this point. I didn’t realize at the time, how far reaching the emotional scars were going to be.

That hug though. I remember this because for a moment, I felt like her and I might actually start beginning to have the mother / daughter bond and love that I would witness of other mothers and daughters.

One of my favorites was the bond between my cousin Megan and her mother Carolyn. The way they could talk to one another about anything. I was so in awe of the both of them, and really honor even today how close their bond is.

For those who wonder, I was 15 when I was “rescued” from that life. I put quotations there, because even though I was given a home and taken care of, very well, their way of teaching was by having me DO the things. Which meant, if I wanted to stay with them, I had to find the courage to get Debbie and Lester to complete the Legal documents that would allow me to move across the country and far away from them!

Frank and Laurie were amazing. I learned strength and found the ability to keep moving forward. Laurie was also very nurturing, but it has never been enough to erase the intense need I have for it today.

I do not try to seek it our from others, while the lack of it from others does trigger me, I know that really, in order to be able to function properly, I need to be able to find a way to satisfy that deep seeded need.

As I write this, it occurs to me that the reason for my need for it today was because of my lack for it then. I have been given this gift of remembering some of the most crucial times when I did need it the most.

If I visualize myself going back to those said times, and giving myself the nurturing I needed then, would it be enough to help satisfy that need now?

Stay tuned to find out.

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