Weight of the Past-Freedom of the Now

There’s a weight that lingers, doesn’t there? One that feels almost like a physical presence, something you can almost taste, touch, feel. It doesn’t just hover in the background; it presses down on you, suffocates you in ways you can’t fully explain. That feeling, that energy, that was my childhood. I’ve learned that it’s not a coincidence that I feel it now, that heaviness—like an energy that never quite left me.

It’s funny, isn’t it? How we think we’ve moved past things, buried them deep enough that they’re forgotten, only to have them show up in the most unexpected ways. For me, it was the first time I took the Mind Mend capsules—those Golden Teachers, the mushrooms that have this power to pull things out of us, things we didn’t even know were still there. And what did it pull out of me? A memory. A place in my life I thought I had long left behind, but it was still there, lurking, waiting for me to look.

I was six, maybe seven. It’s hard to say, but I know the time was thick. There’s a difference between just remembering something and actually feeling it again—the weight, the heat, the space you were in. I could almost feel the air around me, and when I stepped into that memory, I realized how much that energy I had carried with me. I had tried to move on, tried to step away from that little girl and build something different, but there she was again, reminding me. She reminded me of the control I tried to hold over my life. It was all I knew. Even at six, I was trying to manage it all—cleaning the house, taking care of my baby brother, doing things I had no business doing. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. I wasn’t meant to handle it all.

And then, there’s the anger. The fury. It’s so much easier to look back now, at this adult version of me, and say, “Yeah, I get it. This was part of the plan.” But that doesn’t make it any easier to carry. I was angry at my parents. I was furious. And I still am, sometimes. How could they let me shoulder that weight? How could they not see me? But as I sit with this anger, I realize something important—it wasn’t just about them. It was about me. That anger came from a place of being disconnected from myself, of needing to control everything around me because I never felt enough. I couldn’t trust that I was enough. Not then, and sometimes not even now.

But here’s the shift. I’ve learned that this anger is not a prison, and neither is my past. It’s a teacher. I can feel it now, that energy I once carried—thick and dense, like a cloud following me. But when I breathe into it, when I sit with it and allow it, something changes. It becomes lighter. Not because it’s gone, but because I allow it to be. I can now see that it was all part of my design. All of it. From that childhood, to this present moment, to the person I am now.

I look at my life today, and I feel a deep sense of peace and frustration at the same time. The peace comes from knowing that the healing I’ve done, the lessons I’ve learned, have led me to where I am now. I can feel the flow of life again, in a way I didn’t understand before. But the frustration comes from this—how do I let it flow when the space around me feels cramped, like I can’t move in any direction? It’s like being in my own home, a place of comfort, but also a place where I’m stifled, stuck.

I want to work from beautiful, cozy places. I want to be able to write from a peaceful corner in a cabin, or from the seat of a camper overlooking a mountain view. But I can’t do that right now. Not yet. I’m still here, in my home, with a laptop and dreams bigger than my four walls. It’s funny how something so simple, like a lack of resources, can feel like such a roadblock. But I know this: I can still create. I can still write, still bring the flow in. I might not have the resources now, but that’s just part of the journey. It’s a reminder to me that I can’t wait for everything to be perfect before I start living the life I want to live. I can’t wait for the world to give me what I think I deserve. It’s already here, in how I choose to create.

And let’s talk about control. It’s a hard thing to let go of when you’ve spent so much time gripping everything with clenched fists, thinking that holding on is the only way to ensure safety. But here’s the truth: I don’t need to control anymore. Not my surroundings, not my future, not the people around me. I don’t need to manipulate things to work in my favor. The more I try to control, the more I realize how much energy I waste. Instead, I need to allow. I need to let the adventure come, even when it doesn’t look how I thought it would. The flow will come, but only if I trust it.

So here I am, working in my home, where it is warm and comfortable, and I’m letting myself step into the flow of creativity again. I’m allowing it to happen, even if it’s not in the ideal space I imagined. I’m still writing, still dreaming, still working toward the life I’ve envisioned for myself. It’s not going to happen all at once, and that’s okay. I can create the space I need within me. I can open the door to the flow, and trust that everything else will come. The writing, the money, the freedom—I just need to stay open to it.

And here’s the most important part: I am enough. Always have been. Always will be.

If you’re resonating with the experiences shared here and are ready to explore your own journey of healing, I invite you to dive deeper into my book, Untold Truths: Turning Trauma into Transformation. In it, I guide you through understanding how trauma can be the very catalyst for personal growth and transformation. It’s a raw, authentic exploration of turning pain into power, and I believe it can help you find the strength to heal and step into your true potential.

While I’m currently writing a new book , Untold Truths is available right now on Amazon. You can begin your journey of healing and self-discovery today by grabbing a copy. The road to transformation begins with understanding, and I’m here to walk that path with you.

Grab your copy of Untold Truths: Turning Trauma into Transformation on Amazon now.